Leaves & Life

Last week I was cooling down from my run, walking through my neighborhood admiring all the bright red and golden yellow leaves around me. This is hands down my favorite time of the year. I love the colors of autumn, the cool weather that calls for boots and scarves. I love everything pumpkin. I love crunchy leaves and the crisp smell in the air. It's just the best.

Then I shifted my focus and saw another tree. It was completely bare, stripped of all its leaves. Empty. It didn't fit in with its beautiful surroundings. I paused. Something about this tree resonated with my spirit. It called out to me yet with its voice brought a feeling of discomfort. I hesitated slightly when I thought I heard a silent whisper say, "Brittany, you are like this tree." Umm, excuse me? No - I want to be the pretty one over there with the multicolored adornment of leaves. But again, "Brittany, this tree represents you right now." Uggh, really, Lord?

I looked up at the tree again - I cringed at the thought of this portraying me and my life right now. It was so...so exposed. So vulnerable. I want to be stubborn, to disagree, to fight. What, tell the God of the universe He doesn't know what He's talking about? What can I say, I'm not always rational...

But it was too late - it had already hit me somewhere deep inside, somewhere I couldn't control. I knew He was right, I could feel it. To fight would be not only pointless, but detrimental to my spirit. I have been feeling as though things in my life are being stripped away. I have been feeling a little bare, a little vulnerable..exposed. It's new. It's scary. It's exciting.

The amazing thing is that trees lose their leaves to conserve energy and protect themselves from damage. The leaves would release too much moisture during the winter that the tree really needs to keep in order to survive. So the tree sheds its leaves to reserve its moisture and live. There must be a small sacrifice but the result is life.

There's so much beneath the surface - that is what is still alive and thriving. I'm not defined by my "leaves." To be able to concentrate on the roots - the source of life, one must shed whatever is holding it back. My Daddy is not taking things away from me to be mean or to discipline me. No, the complete opposite, He is freeing me from things that are taking away much needed energy. He is removing so that He keep me from harm and actually give me life.

"All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 

II Corinthians 4:15-17

Fragile. Handle with Care.

Made my bed. My accomplishment for the day. 

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. 

Mark out a straight path for your feet. 

Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, 

will not stumble and fall but will become strong."

Hebrews 12:12-13

It is spring break for me so in other words, the week before everything is due. Next week, I have three tests, a quiz, a project and a paper due. Oh, and I have to read Frankenstein – the 1818 text. (I’m two-thirds into that and it actually is wonderful. I highly recommend it.)

I also started a new job this week and already put in over 30 hours in 4 days. Yesterday, I was up at 5am to make sure I had enough Jesus time before leaving for work at 6:30 (not that I can have "enough"). Then I worked for ten hours. I already love it and the girls I work with. I’m surrounded by coffee and people who love Jesus. It doesn't get better than that. (Come see me – Café One Eight downtown Lancaster City)

Tomorrow I have plans from 7:45am – 10pm. And they are fantastic plans, but it’s a full day. Then Sunday I have plans most of the day as well. 

The point of all of this - LIFE IS FULL.

But today, today I have the day off. Zero plans. In my mind, days off are supposed to be full of success and crossing things off my to-do list (which is kind of long at this point).

Instead, today is one of those days where accomplishment equals being out of bed by 10am. I even made my bed (see above for proof). I deserve a cookie. Or you know 3 leftover peanut butter heath bar cookies with my pot of coffee.

Breakfast – check.

Get dressed – maybe later.

Why?! Why do I feel like this? Complacent. Apathetic. Unmotivated. These feelings are so ugly to me and they’re making me feel worthless. I’m tired. I’m spent. Physically, emotionally, socially, financially, even, sigh, spiritually. I have nothing else to give. I am my harshest critic; isn't that how it usually goes? I am so frustrated with myself. Why can’t I just be stronger, try harder, work more efficiently?

I just looked over on my couch and something fell out of my Bible from my quiet time this morning. It’s one of those cards that has the meaning of your name. It says Brittany – “Strong”. I can’t help but roll my eyes. Seriously?

I’m not usually good at admitting weakness. In all honesty, I don’t think of them as weaknesses. I merely have “unhoned” strengths. Ha. I am realizing that I have weaknesses. I have limitations. I have imperfections. 

My first thought - "Oh dear God, take away my weakness and my frailty!" Paul's thought - "So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses...For when I am weak, then I am strong." (II Corinthians 12:9b-10)

I am weak. There, I said it. I am so very fragile. Merely human, made of dust (Psalm 103:14). God knows this; He understands my every weakness. So does Jesus - firsthand in fact (Hebrews 4:15). And because of this, we can approach the "throne of our gracious God" boldly, where we will receive mercy and grace to help us when we need it.

So this is my prayer today and everyday. 

"Heavenly Father, I admit my weakness. I am frail and feeble. I cannot do anything through my own power. I relinquish control. I need your strength to shine through the cracks of my brokenness. I am desperate for your grace and your mercy. Oh dear Lord, drench me in your love. Renew me. Rejuvenate me. My hope is in you and you alone. Grant me the joy of your presence and the pleasure of living with you and for you. Help me be content in my weakness and boast in your power alone. In the name of my precious Savior, Amen."

Wind in your Face & Joy in your Heart.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you...Stand firm...and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are. In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation. All power to Him forever! Amen."

I Peter 5:7-11

I love to run. I love wind. Put them together and, ehh, not so much. Maybe it’s just my imagination, but ever since I have faithfully started running again, the wind has been out to get me. At one point about a month ago, it was about 6° with wind chill. Even so, I wrapped myself up in layer after layer after layer and went outside. Go ahead, call me crazy - I may or may not do it on occasion.

After a few miles in, I was miserable. Ridiculously miserable. What was I thinking? My were arms pumping as close to me as possible to produce warmth from friction and my scarf was wrapped around my mouth and nose. My head was down to protect my face from being blown off by the wind. My eyes were glaring at the ground as if it was the pavement’s fault I was freezing my butt off. My thoughts were wrapped around my selfish despair. I was completely focused inward.

Then for some reason I decided to look up. The wind whipped at my face, taunting me. Before I lowered my head back down, I glanced to the sidewalk across the street. It was bathed in sunlight. What was I doing?! Here I was, so caught up in myself and my misery that I didn't even notice that not twenty feet away was warmth and some relief. I literally sprinted across the street and stuck my face in the air and smiled as I felt the rays of light dance on my face.

And then it hit me. Yes, it was still the wind, but something else too. I began thinking about how often in life I focus on the negative aspects of people or feelings or circumstances. I wrap myself up in my pain and I nurse my wounds. I stare inward and reflect on my problems. All the while, I am moving blindly. Aimlessly. Miserably.

What if I stopped thinking about myself for one second and looked up instead? Would I not see a Son much brighter, much stronger? Would I not be filled with relief and warmth? I would be in the light; able to see where I was going. The wind will still be there, we were promised troubles and trials. But Jesus also promised that He cares for us and He will take our burdens and our worries if we let Him. 

Not only are we promised problems, but we are told to consider it pure joy. I'll say that again. That metaphorical harsh wind whipping at your face right now - you should be rejoicing for it. Why? Because the testing of our faith produces perseverance, which produces strong character, which produces a confident hope of salvation. And this hope will never lead to disappointment. (See James 1:2-4 & Romans 5:3-5).

Face your wind & Stand firm.

          Don't give up [but] Look up. 

                    Rejoice!

You are growing stronger. 

You are growing more confident. 

You are growing in the Son and that is an incredibly beautiful thing.